He was very charismatic and good looking, talkative and hyper. Tan and sexy,
tall and lean. I had just turned 21 and it was my first time at a night
club, he was my same age. I remember thinking he would make a really cute
baby, but not for me, because I wanted to wait til my thirties to have
babies. We dated off and on for 4 months and were really just good friends.
I was fond of him, but there was not a lot of chemistry.

I got drunk one night and almost had sex with a guy I worked with. The guy
and I had a lot of sexual chemistry, but I was raised in a religious home
and had a lot of shame about my 'hot" feelings. I was very drunk and horney,
but didn't want my first time to be with this guy. He really wanted me, so I
started crying and told him to stop because I didn't love him.

Feeling really embarrassed and not truly understanding what happened, I was
confused and told my friend. He was very upset and blamed himself, because
he was supposed to go out with me that night and he stood me up. To this
day, he thinks I got raped, though I told him the guy didn't penetrate me. I
just quit my job the next day, I had been sheltered and shamed about sex,
and the thought of a penis gave me the heebie geebies (imagine that).

We became drawn to each other from the experience and had sex about two
weeks later. We were walking downtown and he was going to take me home, but
I asked him to take me to his house. We took off our clothes and it wasn't
very romantic, but it wasn't a bad experience. Just kind of there. I still
felt like I should be in love, but I wasn't. We were just going to sleep in
his bed and go to church the next day (sermon in college group - how to stay
out of bed - how ironic), but we started to explore each other's bodies and
I thought "fuck it - I am tired of living with my virginity anyways - I
should give it away before someone takes it like what almost happened the
other night"

I was lying on my stomach and he kissed his way up my back. He ended up on
the bottom and he was hard. I tried to put his penis in me, but I was a bit
tight. He got on top and put it in me. I was afraid of sex because I thought
the first time would hurt really bad, but it didn't hurt. I think I broke my
cherry with that big carrot a few years before!!

We fucked for a really long time and I really liked it. I thought God would
make me feel bad, but I didn't. We didn't go to church, we stayed home. I
fucked him the next night almost all night long and I was hooked on sex. He
gave my my first orgasm. I was so ashamed about sex that I couldn't even SAY
orgasm!!!!

Unfortunately we were both very volatile people at the time and started
arguing a lot. We would get in passionate fights and then have sex and then
feel guilty for it. People at church said they missed me, and I thought they
knew something.

I didn't feel guilty about having sex because we always got carried away,
but when I thought about protection, it was like a premeditated sin. So
because of stupidity and weak thinking, I got pregnant after having sex
about 20 times. I even tried to break up with him, because I felt it wasn't
right, but I really liked the sex and felt safe with him.

We got married when I was three months pregnant and had a HORRIBLE
relationship. I think we both felt guilty and stupid about getting me
pregnant - neither of us had finished college and neither had good jobs. I
always felt I should be in love with the guy I got married to, but
rationalized that it would be ok. It wasn't. We were poor and incompatible
and miserable. I left after being married three and one half years - I just
couldn't take it anymore. I think he knew deep down that I didn't love him
sexually and he took it out on me. Its not that he wasn't sexy - he is very
sexy, he just wasn't my type. And that is tough to realize after the fact.

My next boyfriend after him turned me on in ways that were both spiritual
and pornographic, but we were emotionally incompatible. The next boyfriend
and I were great friends, but not sexual at all. There were a few in between
that were fun meaningless sex, but as I get older, I would rather forget
them.

My current beau does it for me in ways that still make me hot after 1 1/2
years. He is also my best friend and I trust him. We are planning to get
married, we want children. I never thought I would want that in my life.

We are very alike and we have never fought like my ex and I fought - my
current and I have discussions and always work it out. I have even been
viciously fighting with my ex on the phone, when my current comes over for a
date, and I hang up the phone and happily say, "let's go!" and not be angry
at all the entire evening. Sad, but true.

My ex and I still have the volatile relationship and sometimes I loathe him,
but sometimes I have those fond feelings of a friend long forgotten. That
friend pops up here and there in our conversations, but there is a lot of
animosity between us. I think we get scared when we start to like each other
- it breaks the bond of resentment from the past, and that somehow is scary.
I think that is what happens when you have a baby with someone who is not
your soulmate and thinks and acts very different than you - its conflictual
and tough on the kid, who naturally loves both parents. I am working very
hard to put my angry feelings to rest, mostly for my daughter's sake, and
for the sake of my current relationship which is the one I always wanted.
Strife is also getting old and I want a peaceful life.

The sex and attraction and friendship in this relationship is so incredible,
I suppose I had to get some maturity to appreciate a stable and older guy,
and not be ashamed that I was so turned on by him!!! I still blush, get wet
and my pussy twitches when I see him. We have moaning, wet, sweaty, hot and
breathless sex. But I always thought I would find my guy when I was late 20s
early 30s.

But if I would not have met my first love, I would not have my daughter, who
has given me a lot of love and stability in my life. She is an awesome
person and someone I respect a lot for putting up with me and her father!!!
I hope she learns from my mistake, but I know she will make some of her own.

But when it all boils down to it - sex is really awesome and it feels sooooo
good, but it does make babies. It doesn't hurt to protect yourself with
contraception. Raising a child on your own is hard and I missed out a lot on
partying with my friends when I was in my twenties. I know a lot of teens
read this page - what I will tell my daughter when she is ready to have sex
- I wish you would wait, but if you must, please protect yourself. You want
to have babies when you can take good care of them - trust me - I know.

Thanks for the opportunity to share this. Its been great to admit how I
really feel about my first time without the resentment I have felt.

I have read a lot of the submissions and they are a real turn on. Its tough
to not get hot while reading them, though I wonder how true some of them are
=)) but I believe sex is a healthy thing and God made us to enjoy it - so
grab someone and enjoy it!!!

by the way, my favorite story here was the one about the 19 year old guy who
came home from college to see his buddies sister all grown up. His story is
what I think true soulmate love and sex is all about. the ref # is 4388.
Brought tears to my eyes, it was so beautiful - and you really have a GREAT
MOM. thanks for sharing