"What do you mean its fucking escaped?" The assistant winced at the choice language her director had just used. "It can't fucking escape. The Government paid the best part of two hundred million dollars for this facility. Its supposed to be secure for fucks sake. Now you tell me the fucking thing has just walked out of here?" "Not walked exactly Sir. It can't walk Sir." The assistant tried to calm him down with a mild witticism. The director threw his hands up into the air and implored the heavens. "One of the most dangerous, and might I add controversial, pieces of scientific research has just disappeared out of the most secure, fucking building this side of Fort Knox. Whose very existence is now I jeopardy. And what do I get? A fucking clown. And not even a good one either." He scowled at the quaking girl. "Get me someone who fucking knows something about this stuff. Get me Dr Peel. Go on! NOW." The Director was well into his second large scotch when the Doctor shambled in. He looked like the fashion victim of a charity shop. The sort of guy derelicts pay to go away because his dress-sense was giving them a bad name. He had a huge, beaked nose on which thick glasses balanced precariously, through which his eyes looked like dinner plates. His head was all mishapen, not badly enough to make him look hideous, more like the guy who always loses the fights in a fairground boxing booth. And is stupid enough to keep going back. Not that he was stupid. Well he was when it came to hygiene and interpersonal relationships, intellectually however he was a genius. Which is why he had been chosen to head up the research into the new bacteriological agent. "It won't kill the enemy but it will sure as hell distract them." The slogan on the lab wall said it all. And now it had gone! "Siddown Doctor. Now suppose you just tell me how, in gods name, could the fucking stuff escape?" The Doctor eyed him, myopically, for a second before he replied. "It appears, no on careful reflection, there seems to be this possibility, maybe even a probability, that it was, to be exact, thrown out." "Thrown out? THROWN OUT? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN IT WAS THROWN OUT?" The scientist cocked his head on one side. "Thrown out means that it has been disposed of." He replied to the perfectly obvious question he'd just been asked. "I know what it means you idiot. I was just having trouble trying to get my mind round what you just said Did you actually tell me that it had just been thrown out?" "That is in the affirmative. I agree with that statement." "You agree? You fucking agree do you? Well glory be. I'm glad we've sorted that little misunderstanding out Now could you please tell me why it was thrown out? If that's not too much trouble?" "No Director it is no trouble at all. In fact I have this distinct recollection that it was for this very reason that I have been summoned here. So please don't worry that I'm being put to any trouble. But thank you for your solicitous enquiry." The Director stared open mouthed. The fool has just read him the Gettysburg address and had managed to duck answering the question altogether. Its bad enough when your political masters do it, but when the staff start doing it too! Fighting the urge to reach over and strangle the lanky shit he drew himself up and asked, his voice all honey dewed, sweetness and light. "Could you please tell me why it was thrown out?" "I believe that I am in a position to clarify that matter. It was no good." "No good? No fucking good? What do you mean by no fucking good? No, no don't tell me. I couldn't take it. We spent $60 million on that research and now you have the fucking audacity to tell me it is no good? So that's it then is it? It don't work, so throw it out. Switch off the lights men, the good Doctor didn't like the colour so we might as well pack up and go home. Is that what you were trying to tell me?" The Doctor pondered the question for a moment. "I would like to put your mind at rest and assure you that there was no perceived problem, certainly amongst the research team, about the colour. I do believe we had a very close consistency amongst the views of the team. Sally the research laboratory assistant did, I recall, suggest at one point, that it should be a darker shade but after I discussed it with her at some length, she was more than willing to share my point of view...." 'I'm not surprised.' Groaned the Director inwardly. "...So I do feel that the colour was not perceived to be the primary problem. I hope that I have clarified that point to your satisfaction?" The director pinched his fingers into the corners of his tightly closed eyes, as he tried desperately to get a mental handle on whatever the hell the reality of the situation was. How the hell they discovered anything at all with this ... this....He mentally struggled for a word that would adequately describe the prat. He gave up and opened his eyes to find the doctor regarding him quizzically. "What? Yes, yes. I agree, I concur whatever the hell you would say." "I concur, I think you'll find. Though of course 'I agree' could equally have been used, if the context of the question, or more accurately the grammatical nature of the interrogative had been........" "Shut up!" "But I was...." "I SAID SHUT UP......Thank you. Now what you are telling me is that the agent had been thrown out because it didn't work?" "Ah no. Not exactly." "So what are you telling me?" "It wasn't thrown out because it didn't work." "So why?" "Its because it did work." The director's face glowed brightly and, although the doctor wasn't actually a medical doctor, he could tell that the director was undergoing a blood pressure rise for some unfathomable reason. "It worked." Said the director as he struggled to remain calm. "It worked. It Fucking WORKED. So you threw it out. Well that's just peachy. Sorry Uncle Sam. We lost your money, but its ok, it was in a good cause. The doctor got bored with it so he threw the fucking stuff away. Well that's alright then. As long as he ain't bored. You have got the bare faced nerve to sit there and tell me that you threw it out because it worked?" The doctor shook his head ponderously. "No. In fact I did not throw it out Someone else threw it out. Now if I were to be more exacting..." 'If you are I'll fucking kill you.' Thought the director grimly. "...I would appraise you of the fact that it was marked for disposal. So I was in error if I led you to believe that......" The director held up his hand, defeated. "So where is it now?" "It has been disposed of?" "How?" "Ah there you have the advantage on me because I am not exactly aware of where......" "Ok. Ok. I get the picture" The director had a sneaking suspicion it would dumped on the local landfill. The Environmental agency would love this one, the FBI, The drug, firearm and tobacco people. Even the school crossing ladies would get in on the act. This was not shaping up into being one of his better days. . "So what exactly didn't this wonderdrug do that would make sure it was marked for disposal?" "It only worked on females." "So? I couldn't give a shit whether it only worked on transvestite wrestlers. We'd have achieved, partially at least, some success, enough to get another year's funding. So you threw it away?" "As I previously stated...." The director banged his hand on the table. "Shut up and just tell me what the effects are?" "Our laboratory experiments seem to indicate that the drug will alter the genetic makeup of a woman." "In what way?" Maybe they were getting somewhere. "I, or at least the team, found, using computer modelling mainly, but a couple of the laboratory assistants did agree to act as specimen subjects. That in a semi-random cycle the libido of a female will be altered such that she would reach a highly aroused state, inasmuch that she would feel obliged. No I must put it stronger than that, she will feel absolutely compelled to have sexual relations with the male gender of our species." The director struggled to follow the didactic ramblings but managed to glean enough to give himself enough of a handle to ask. "So what you're telling me is that it changes women's genes so they have to go out and get laid. So what? A good screw never hurt anyone." "I think I must clarify this point. They have to enter a number of dalliances." "What?" The doctor stared at him like he was an idiot, didn't he understand plain english? "They er would have to ah yes, 'screw' a large number of men. A very large number indeed." 'Brilliant! Fucking Brilliant!' thought the Director, before asking. "How many?" "Ah the exact number is unknown as it is not based on the totality of the contacts, it is based on a chronological variable." "Which means?" "Time. They will be in an extremely heightened state of arousal for approximately, and you must bear in mind our calculations are based on theoretical models predominately, 16 hours." "16 hours. That's great. So for 16 hours, if I read you right, this woman is going to have to have virtually none stop sex?" "Yes you are correct." "And what happens if she doesn't have non stop sex for 16 hours?" "Ah but she must." The director tried to imagine himself trying to pleasure his wife for 16 hours. He shuddered at the thought. "But what if she doesn't" "Yes, there we may have a problem. You see the arousal level is so high that she would tear down walls to get at men. She will have to have them and her increased strength, one of the side effects I'm afraid, will ensure that she gets them." He looked thoughtful. "That could create quite a few problems in actual fact." "You're dammed right it could. You know what you're telling me? . You're telling me that some drug crazed woman is suddenly going to run amok and screw everything in sight and we ain't going to be able to stop her except with a hunting rifle?" "I wouldn't have used that exact phraseology but the sentiment is correct." "How often does this happen." "We can't be sure precisely, because the time interval will depend on the physiology of the female in question, however we can assume that it will vary from around once every week for teenagers, through to once a month for older women finally ceasing altogether at menopause. Ah yes and just as she enters menopause she will become pregnant." Just then the phone rang. "Yes?" Said the Director. "You have? Excellent." He put his hand over the microphone. "They've found the bottle." ..."Yes. Sorry I missed that. Empty. Why is it empty? It broke. Wonderful, where did it break. In the yard. Where exactly? You did what? I know you said you hosed it down the drain. Oh no of course its not dangerous." 'It better fucking not be' He thought grimly as he slammed the receiver down. "Right can this stuff survive in the sewerage system?" "It has a virtually unlimited lifespan and can survive all but the harshest of chemical reactions. " The doctor said proudly. "So you're telling me that this stuff lives forever and is probably going to find its way into the water system. Please tell me that's not what you are saying?" "The first part of your statement was correct." "Is there an antidote?" "Not as such, because it alters the genetic makeup you see. However it will eventually become so diluted that it would be virtually inoperative." "So only a few women may be infected?" "Not infected. Genetically transformed. In answer to your question yes only a few women would be initially infected." "Initially?" "Ah yes. That is another of the side effects you see. Once it alters the metabolism of the subject she will in turn produce more of the drug. However this 'synthetically' manufactured version would not be water soluble and so could not effect the water supply in the same way." "So, lets get this straight, she's changed and starts making the drug inside her body. " The doctor nodded, the director's mind boggled. "But it can't be transmitted by way of the water supply?" The doctor shook his head. Maybe they could keep a lid on this after all. The cup of hope was cruelly dashed from his lips when the doctor ventured. "It is transmitted on the penises of the males that have had intercourse with the woman." "This gets better and better." He said ironically. " So how do we stop it? Get them to all wear condoms?" "I'm afraid that won't work I'm afraid, because the female must have semen injected into their bodies or it won't, as it were, count. Certainly from her psychological viewpoint and indeed her biological perspective. It is a fairly straightforward biological function in fact. Could I borrow your blackboard and I will explain it to you?" "Don't bother. I probably won't understand a word of it. So she must have sex for 16 hours and without condoms? Won't she get aids or something?" "Ah there is one area where we did make a breakthrough. The drug actually destroys the aids virus and also malevolent bacteria. Its quite exciting really. We discovered that..." "Please. Please." Pleaded the director, head in hands. "No more." It took him a few minutes to recover his poise enough to ask. "So they can't get Aids?" "No, nor any other sexually transmitted disease." "So lets be thankful for small mercies. So we are hoping we can keep this localised?" "Ah yes it is very containable...." "Excellent!" "Just as long as none of the men who have had intercourse with the altered woman ever has sex again." "What? Why not?" "Because he would pass it on of course. We designed it so he would be the carrier." "So a man that can be dragged off the street and....raped for gods sake.....by one of these women could never have sex again?" "I'll affirm that." "Ever?" The doctor shook his head. "Not even to his wife?" "He could. But then she'd get it too. Which may prove a little stressful for him." "I should fucking think so. If my wife suddenly ran amok fucking everyone in sight for 16 hours I'd be fucking stressed out." He had a horrible thought. He'd be the first one she saw. "Now listen Doc. Only us two know about this right?" The Doctor pondered finger on chin, eyes gazing towards the ceiling before he nodded. "And that's the way its going to stay. Nobody knows about this, ever. Ok?" "But..." "Ever?" "I will accede to your request but I cannot understand why. In its way it is a marvellous breakthrough, although sadly not exactly what we were hoping for." The Director seized on the point. "Yes that's why we should keep it secret. So you are not labelled a failure by the Scientific community." "Ah yes, a very valid point and very solicitous of you if I may say so, thinking of me like that." The Director never heard him. He was trying to calculate how far he could get away on his savings before his wife got round to drinking the water.